


in these late hours

by waveydnp



Series: tumblr prompts [10]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Era (Phandom), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 13:42:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17285141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: prompt: “be yourself. no one else can”





	in these late hours

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

Dan sighs, wriggling down under his duvet as if he can hide from all of this. “Because I’ll be shit. It’ll be shit.”

“It won’t. It couldn’t be. Nothing you do could be shit.”

“Everything I do is shit. Just ask my dad.”

“I’m sure your dad doesn’t say you’re shit, Dan,” Phil says gently, but with a hint of reproach that reminds Dan of the four and a half years Phil’s got on him. “He doesn’t, does he?”

“I mean, not with those actual words… It’s called reading between the lines, mate. But it literally doesn’t even matter, because he’s right. Like, why do I think my dumb thoughts are worth anyone else’s time?”

“I like hearing your thoughts.”

Phil is so different like this, when it’s just the two of them having a late night conversation and Dan’s too tired and comfortable to filter himself into the person he thinks Phil would most like him to be. He’s not AmazingPhil when he’s saying nice things with that deep and earnest voice. He’s quieter, less manic. He’s someone Dan wants to believe tells him nice things because he actually thinks they’re true.

It feels almost cruel to keep telling Phil he’s wrong, to try to convince this wonderful person that actually, yes, Dan really is shit.

“I don’t know why you do,” Dan says quietly. “Still haven’t figured that bit out yet.”

“You think your thoughts are any less interesting than mine?” Phil asks. “Half the time I’m just rambling incoherently about weird people I’ve met who’ve like, showed me their belly button lint or offered me money to show them my feet.”

Dan chuckles. “Yeah, exactly. You say interesting things.”

“So do you.”

Dan pulls his blanket over his head, cocooning himself in warmth and darkness. He doesn’t want anything but the sound of Phil’s voice in his ear. “I’m not funny like you.”

“I think you are. I think you’re hilarious.”

“Phil…” He’s not annoyed, by any means, he just doesn’t really believe it.

“I mean, it doesn’t matter anyway,” Phil says quickly, probably to stem the flow of self deprecation Dan is building up to. “You don’t have to be funny to make videos that people will enjoy. You don’t have to be anything, really. Just yourself.”

“But I hate myself,” Dan says without thinking.

“God, Dan.” Phil sounds so wounded Dan actually feels guilty. “Don’t say that.”

“Sorry,” Dan mumbles. “It doesn’t matter. M’not gonna do it anyway.”

“Yes you are.”

“Why, though? Why should I?” It’s getting slightly harder to breathe without any fresh oxygen under here, but he can stick it out for now. 

“Because you want to?” Phil asks.

“So what.” He’s so annoying. He’s annoying even himself with his obstinance. This must be one of the reasons no one really sticks around long enough for Dan to call them a best friend. “Why should I subject other people to my drivel as if it’s worthy of being listened to?”

“Dan.”

Dan’s heart stutters. Phil actually sounds a tiny bit cross now. “What?” Dan says weakly.

“What even the hell are you on about? Worthy? Is that really how you think about this stuff?”

“I mean… yeah? Don’t you?”

“No. Of course not. Imagine if everyone who wanted to put any sort of creation out into the world thought like that. The only people creating art or music or films or videos or anything would be arrogant, narcissistic assholes.”

“Don’t you think your videos are worth watching?” Dan asks. “You’re not a narcissistic asshole.”

“I like my videos. I share them so if people want to watch them, they can. I’m not forcing a gun to anyone’s head. People have freewill, Dan. If they don’t want to watch, they don’t have to. Hell, if they watch it and they hate it, they’re free to tell me. But I’m not sitting here every time I upload a new video thinking I’m god’s gift to the internet. It’s just a hobby. It’s just a way to… I dunno… express myself.”

“So why post it?” Dan asks. “Why post it if in the end it’s just about doing something for yourself because you like it. Like, I’ve made videos. If it’s just about expressing creativity then why do I have to post them?”

The other end of the line is quiet for a while. Dan bites his lip and listens to Phil breathing, hoping against hope that this isn’t the night Phil finally gets sick of dealing with Dan’s bullshit.

“I don’t know if I have a good answer to that?” Phil says finally. “I guess I don’t really know why I started posting the videos I make. I’m not a psychologist, y’know? It’s not that deep, or if it is I’m not clever enough to know. It’s just fun. And like, yeah, I reckon maybe sometimes I think a video is good and I’ll wanna show it to people and hear them tell me it’s good. I dunno if that makes me narcissistic?”

“It doesn’t,” Dan assures. “If you were a narcissist you wouldn’t even be having this conversation with me right now. You would’ve quit my ass weeks ago.”

Phil just sighs. “I don’t feel like I’ve made anything better.”

Dan shrugs, even though Phil’s a three hour train ride away and definitely can’t see him hiding under his blanket like a five year old. “I just like… don’t really like who I am. I don’t know why anyone else would either.”

“Ok,” Phil says, rather abruptly. “I’m gonna tell you a story now.”

“Oh,” Dan says, thrown by Phil’s lack of sweet-voiced reassurance that Dan is a person worthy of being liked. “Ok.”

“For a while back in my first year of uni, I think I started to feel like that. When I was younger I had the same mates I’d had all my life because we grew up together and it was fine, yeah? I never had to justify myself to anyone. Like, everyone knew I was Phil, the weird kid and it was ok. I never felt like it was something I had to change. Then I got to York and it kind of wasn’t cool to be weird? So I tried to learn how to be normal.”

“That sounds awful,” Dan says sadly. Awful and all too familiar. 

“It was. It was just… sad. I was sad. But I had this mate, he was the best. He was weird too. And he called me out. He was kind of brutal, actually.”

“Christ.”

“I needed to hear it. And in the end he said something that’s really stuck with me.”

“This is the bit where you drop some deep philosophical knowledge on me, isn’t it?” Dan asks.

“Yeah it is, so shut up and listen,” Phil says, in a way that Dan’s not even sure is a joke. “And he actually died not too long after we shared this moment. I was messed up about it for years, so please don’t take the piss right now.”

Dan’s stomach drops. “Shit, Phil. I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. Just listen, ok?”

Dan nods, then remembers again that Phil can’t see him. “Yeah, of course.”

“It’s cheesy, but it really did change the way I was looking at things. He said, ‘Just be you, Phil. No one else can.’ And everything in my brain that felt like it was wrong just clicked back into place.”

Dan bites his tongue. He has so many snarky arguments he could make for why it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t like himself. Maybe no one being Dan would make the world a better place. 

But Phil doesn’t believe that. Phil believes the world is better with Dan in it, and he’s pouring his damn heart out just in the hopes that it will make Dan feel a little better about posting some footage of himself being a waffly twat on a video sharing website. 

So instead of being an ungrateful dickhead he says, “Thank you, Phil.”

“You think it’s stupid.”

“No. I don’t. At all.” He makes sure his voice is emphatic. It may not have helped in the way Phil intended, but it definitely helped.

“D’you think you’ll ever post a video?” Phil asks. “Or should I just leave it alone.”

“Please don’t leave it alone,” Dan says softly, against all his better judgement. “Everyone in my life always ends up leaving it alone. I like that you don’t do that.” 

“Even if it’s bloody annoying?” Phil asks, and Dan knows, he just _knows_ Phil is smiling.

Dan laughs, throwing his duvet off his head so he can finally breathe again. “Especially when it’s bloody annoying.”


End file.
